Work in Progress: The Imaginary Third-Wheel Blues

The main reason I started this blog was to try to help folks on either side of Mono/Poly relationships relate a bit better, and to provide one of the few Poly (well, Mono/Poly) resources written from a monogamous point of view (since many mono folks don't really relate well to the For-Poly-By-Poly resources out there). When I post, then, I tend to wait until I feel like I have my shit together - that I've examined it from all sides, come up with whatever awful analogy I hold dear, and can present it in a way that might make sense to both Mono and Poly folks alike.

But I don't always have my shit together, and I struggle with those posts.

This is going to be one of those "work in progress" posts. There are many things I and my partner (and my metamour) have worked through over the five years we've been navigating the Poly road, and that's fantastic. We're all in a different place than we were back then, and I think that's a good thing. However, the issues that remain are the sticky ones, the ones where the root cause isn't easily identified, or solutions aren't easily found.

In the original spirit of this blog, I've tried to dig a bit deeper into the reasons behind the emotions, but it's not a finished product, and I don't know if it ever will be. I do, however, think that sharing these things are a way to show that the passage of time isn't always a silver bullet for the issues in a Mono/Poly relationship. There may be work and maintenance that goes on for the life of the relationship... and if it's manageable for everyone involved, then that's okay.

So... getting to the point.

I tend to prefer a "separation of relationships" when it comes to my partner's partners. I don't really do compersion, outside of a generic sense of, "I'm happy for you." I'm happy my partner gets to be true to who he is, and I'm happy to see him excited about meeting new people, but that's kind of where that ends for me. Everything else to do with a particular relationship - things they obviously enjoy and get excited about - cross that line of separation, and I feel like I'm intruding on that relationship, even if they don't feel that way.

This comes to a head in very inconvenient ways, however.

My partner's other nesting partner lived for years in a Big Coastal City, which will subsequently be referred to as "BigCoastalCity" (because I'm nothing if not original). BigCoastalCity is on the opposite coast from the general area in which we all live now, but in the early stages of their relationship, he would fly out to visit, and they, of course, had some great "together time" and made many memories out in BigCoastalCity.

Which is why I blanched every time he would tell me that *we* should visit BigCoastalCity. Because that's *theirs*. Because anything that we would do would be clouded by "this was their stomping ground, and their experiences." Because I would be a third wheel going to their special places.

Not that THEY said any of this, mind you. This is all my own internal monologue working overtime.

That said, let's rewind a bit. Early on in our relationship, when both relationships were still young and the path we were walking wasn't just strewn with holes, but the occasional lava flow, my partner and meta were tossing around the idea of going to ForeignCountry (consistency in originality... that's my bit). I clearly had some sort of presence of mind to know that this was going to be an issue for me, and I brought up the idea, early on, that I didn't want anyone in either of these relationships to be limited by what's "ours" versus "theirs." In other words, I didn't want ForeignCountry to be "theirs" and feel unable to share it with my partner in our own way. We all agreed, and I felt pretty good about it. No artificial limitations.

So why on earth am I shutting MYSELF out of the things I feel are "theirs"?

I do this with quite a few things: places that have special meaning to them, TV shows they both like, music they both like - anything that my brain/heart have come to think of as "theirs". I have a feeling it's why, despite my need to keep my Geek Cred up (I clearly haven't gotten enough CECs in lately), I haven't been motivated to finish watching Firefly yet. Please, feel free to beat some sense into me here. I probably deserve it.

When they express enthusiasm for something together, I wall it off as "theirs" - and wall myself off from it in the process. Why?

I'm not entirely sure, but I have some theories. Come, we'll go spelunking in my brain...

In monogamous relationships, you don't really have this situation. Places you went and things you did with your ex are in the past. Maybe you look back wistfully at the time, place, and situation, but ostensibly, you've moved on. If you're in a new relationship, you're building new experiences, even if they're built on things that happened in the past. The experiences of your past shaped and influenced you, but you're focused on the "now". Focused on the "new". The past is in the past. In polyamorous relationships, this isn't necessarily the case - both relationships and experiences may be happening "now".

Because these experiences with an ex happened in the past, it's easier (at least for me) to process those emotions. It becomes "this is a place you liked and now you want to share it with me" and I end up feeling happy that you want to share this important place/thing/idea/whatever with me now.

But in a Poly relationship, there is no sense of "now this is ours". There's no sense of having moved on. And as such, I feel awkward about hanging around BigCoastalCity because in the back of my mind, I'm wondering things like, "Is this reminding Partner of Meta and the things they did here? Is he not in the moment with me? Is he wishing he could be here with her because they shared x, y, and z together?" Basically, I wonder if I'll feel like I'm on a "Partner and Meta tour of BigCoastalCity"... like a third wheel.

Now, I *know* that different experiences happen with different people, even in the same places. I've gone to BigOtherCoastalCity with not only my partner, but with friends, with my daughter and her dance class, and yes, with my ex-husband. And with each and every one of those people (or groups of people), I had different experiences. I know that, and I've felt that. I'm even happy at a general level that my partner gets to experience that with multiple people. However, when he does, the emotional side of me goes, "Okay, this is now their thing, move along. Nothing to see here."

There's a reason that the Heart and Brain warrant their own webcomic.

It's even goofier because if Meta came to me and said, "Oh! You should go see this," I'd register it as a friend giving me some pointers. But if Partner wants us to do something because he and Meta did it, now it's "theirs" and a source of discomfort. Oy. Brain is looking at Heart, going, "Dude! WTF!"

And so, I'm trying to fix it by pushing myself through those uncomfortable feelings. Not only am I going to eventually cue up Firefly (maybe after Stranger Things), but I'm going to BigCoastalCity with my partner. I have asked for reassurance (to try to help poor old emotional Heart deal with things a bit better) that this will not be a "Partner and Meta Tour of the City," but our trip. Not that it wouldn't have been anyway, but you know... emotions.

It's funny... there are things that I've found easier to navigate within a polyamorous context than others. Sexual fidelity, for example, was never a big deal to me, while I know it's extremely important to others. This? This is one of my hangups.

At least for now. Gotta have something interesting to work on, no?

Any advice or commiseration, please feel free to comment.

What's in it for Me? Or for You?

Ah, summer... when life gets in the way. In a good way.
Apologies to my readers, but a new garage roof, riding a 325-foot coaster five times in one day (among other coasters), planting bushes in the front yard, planting grass, working some more on the bathroom project, and general out-and-aboutness have put me in the position of having over 150 unread emails, a bunch of "things you missed" messages from Twitter, and a dusty blog.

<sharp breath, brings out the feather duster>

There. <pat pat>
:-)

In that time, there was one thread on the mono/poly email lists that caught my eye, and I wanted to talk about it a bit here. I asked permission from folks on the list to use their thoughts and ideas if I needed to, but in the end, I figured I'd use my own thoughts and just pose the question to you as well. Apologies to anyone who hoped to be (not at all) famous by being quoted here.

Many mono folks in mono/poly relationships go through the "what's in it for me" phase. You're getting what you want; what am I getting out of this?


It happens quite a bit with people who open a monogamous relationship, with one partner feeling as though they're just there to keep the home/kids/finances in order while their newly-poly partner goes out to play. What's in it for the mono partner? What do THEY get from a poly relationship when all it seems to do is take their partner away from them and they don't want more "free time"? Why does it matter if they get a happier partner when it comes at the the expense of their own happiness?

I won't get too deep into that question, except to reiterate that maybe flipping around the question to ask "what do I get out of maintaining a relationship with my partner" would be the better way to go. In asking that question instead, you can feel free to add polyamory to the "cons" column, but hopefully the "pros" in your relationship with your partner outweigh the cons.

No, instead the question got flipped around on the mono partners on the lists: What do YOU think your poly partner gains from having an opened/poly relationship?

Mono partners, what do you think? What's in it for them?

<No, really...  dig into what you think before I go prattling on. I'll wait.>

So, what's in it for your partner?

I'm sure many of you had the "Well, DUH!" moment when you first read the question: they get to go out and play without taking responsibility, they get to have ALL THE SEX. It's playtime, and they get to quit adulting for a while. No responsibilities, no compromises, no strings. They get to play at being single again.

There are some people who go absolutely cuckoo when they open their relationships. They do forget about their responsibilities, and they seem to steamroll their loved ones' feelings in favor of their own. These people do exist. There are many others, however, who just want to do things the right way. What's in it for them?

When I observe my partner and what he really values in his relationships, it's not "ALL THE SEX!" (although I'd be remiss if I didn't admit that it's certainly a bonus). Your mileage may vary, and I'm not speaking for my partner, but this is my perception of what I see:

• My partner seems to enjoy connections. Meeting people, getting to know their stories, really getting to know them closely without having to step back and avoid emotional intimacy (and limiting that connection).
• My partner can be free to have friendships with people that involve elements that many people would consider romantic, and therefore, off-limits. He can go to a friend who needs comforting, hold her hand, spend time alone with her, embrace her, and help her feel better - all without anyone worrying that he's going to piss anyone off or not be allowed to see her again.
• He gets to have different people and relationships in his life: the spontaneous and the traditional, without valuing one over the other, but experiencing them both.

And on and on, but there's far more to it than sex and playtime. What I see is the desire to form deep connections with more than one person and not feel constrained or conflicted as to when they need to stop connecting because they've "gone too far". It's not really playing at being single at all. There is an element of freedom there, but also an element of caring. Of wanting to feel all the feels and learn all the things about someone. And yes, that level of intimacy can lead to physical intimacy, whether it's hand-holding, a kiss, a dance, or yes - sex. It's all part of growing that bond.

That's my perception of what I see in my own partner, and it may or may not jive with your own observations or feelings. It does serve to illustrate that the benefits to the poly partner can go way beyond having more sex with more people, and it may be worth having that conversation. If we can gain some intimacy with our own partners by learning what makes them tick (and allowing them to be freer to be themselves around us), then maybe that's an added bonus for us mono partners after all.

You Can't Be "Everything"...

One of the basic tenets of Polyamory that's discussed in order to explain (justify? defend?) it to monogamous people is that it's unreasonable to expect anyone to be your "everything." That even in monogamous relationships, one partner has the friends they go to Comic Cons with while the other goes on the Quilting Cruise - we all have different groups of people with whom we do different things.

I do tend to agree with this. We all have different interests, and sometimes our circles don't overlap with our partners' in the Venn Diagram of our relationships. Ignoring the common response of "but why do you have to have RELATIONSHIPS to do that when I do that stuff with my friends," (which is something that, as a person pretty firmly planted in the monogamous side of the mono/poly spectrum, I just don't personally Grok), there's another issue with this idea that doesn't usually get discussed.

When you limit interests to only your partners who share that common interest, then you're only painting a partial picture of yourself to other partner(s).

Regardless of whether or not we "click" on, say, comic books, I want to get to know my partner... and yes, that includes being introduced to that interest. I may go to one con, only to never go again, but at least I've been introduced to it. I can see your giddy interest in it - can see you act like a little kid when you meet your favorite artist - and I can appreciate that, even if I don't appreciate the interest itself, or ever choose to go to another con. You've shared that with me.

If you have a partner who also appreciates comics, and you only go to cons with them because that's the person you share that interest with? It prevents me from ever seeing that giddy, little kid side of you... and I think that's a shame.

I don't want to see only some facets of my partner; I want to get to know them. All of them. At least, as much as I can.

I understand things like Cons involve resources like vacation time, money, etc., and those by their very nature are limited. I understand that, because of this, the most "bang for your buck" will be to bring the partner who actually enjoys these activities. However, you run the risk of becoming compartmentalized to your different partners - becoming different people, depending on your audience. And I don't know... if you prefer your relationships to be a big network of people you can diversify around, then clearly that's okay, but if you're in an entwined partnership? Especially with a monogamous person who doesn't have it in their nature to want to diversify? It seems to miss the point. I suppose Polyamory gives you both options.

At any rate, I know people can't be everything to each other, but I personally like the chance to share something that I never would have tried if I hadn't been introduced to it.

Ready for the "but" now?
There's always a "but"...

The flipside to this is when people try too hard to BE ALL THE THINGS. Having something shared with you doesn't mean you're obligated to actually enjoy it, and it certainly shouldn't pressure you to either do so, or fake it when you don't; it just gives you greater insight into what makes your partner tick. This is the point behind "you can't be everything to your partner." Enjoy the sharing. Let your horizons get expanded a bit. And if you find that it's not your bag (baby), that's okay. Send your partner off with a smooch and a "have a great time" and know that they're going to be a giddy little kid on the other side.

And if you're feeling shut out? Ask. Just be ready to hear your partner gush about their favorite comic book artist for a while.

Disclaimer: The examples herein do not represent any person, living or dead. That is to say... I *like* comic cons.

A Followup on Saturation (Or, the Other 'S' Word: Selfishness)

Instead of digging up the notes I have on my "5 Love Languages" book review (which I'll get to, I promise), I wanted to follow up on something I pretty much pooh-poohed in my last post:

There's a term in Polyamory called "polysaturation," which is basically the same principle applied to having multiple partners. One hits his or her polysaturation point when they have too many partners to adequately maintain relationships with them or to maintain a life balance outside of them.

I realize that folks who are critical of poly will tend to roll their eyes at this and think, "Poor poly people and their first-world problems." Get it out of your systems, folks. I'm moving on.

I'm not trying to dismiss anyone's very real frustration at this; it just wasn't quite what I was getting at in my last post. Time for a follow-up.

It isn't really polysaturation here that's being called into question, but the act of having multiple partners in and of itself: if you have multiple partners, how on earth can you devote enough time, resources, and just plain intimacy to the partners you have without leaving them wanting? It's the root of the whole "Polyamory is selfish" belief that many people on the outside - sometimes on the inside - of such relationships can have.

Let's take a step back and bring in an old friend we see pop up on Facebook and Twitter now and again:

Veracity of the quote aside (everyone quotes it, yet nobody seems to have a source), let's forget about resources: for many people, it's the act of loving another that undermines the first relationship. We see things through our own filters; if we're monogamous pendulum-types, then yes, nurturing feelings for another does negatively impact our existing relationship. Any pendulum-type who would do so should expect this, and therefore is being selfish by neglecting their existing relationship in favor of someone new. Lack of available resources just adds to the mix, when someone is okay with the concept, just not so much with the execution.

There's a huge disconnect between monogamous pendulum-types and polyamorous fountain-types in their understanding of each other. Many poly folks get out of sorts (and rightly so) when they see things like the Depp quote above, or hear that Poly folks are selfish. In their defense, some trot out our other good friends we see time and again:

• My friends don't feel neglected when I make new friends, do they?
• I don't love my children any less when I have another child, do I? Maybe I should put my first child up for adoption because I can't love them as much as my youngest.

Or the jokes:

• That's right, I'm stealing ALL THE LADIES! Well, you can date them too! How is that selfish?

As I mentioned back in my first post here, these responses do nothing to bridge the gap - instead, they just cover it in day-glo yellow paint and highlight it even more. The sheer nature of a romantic relationship to a monogamous pendulum-type person is very, very different from either of these, and it's like equating apples to elephants. Of course it doesn't impact your relationship with your friends or your children. Of course it does impact your romantic relationships! And the poly, fountain-type person just sits there baffled by the distinction.

My point in all this isn't to scold anyone, or to fix anything single-handedly. It's just to present the understanding that there is a very real disconnect in the ways in which Poly and Mono folks see romantic relationships and love others. The perspective that polyamory is selfish is a byproduct of this.

It's a belief that such a relationship has to, by nature, be selfish, because we pendulum-types see things through our own filters (as does everyone else). It's not always an attack on Poly folks (although I'm sure some folks say it with enough distaste that it may as well be). It is a very real perspective that needs to be acknowledged and not mocked or dismissed out of hand (or wittily wordsmithed away into friend or child analogies) before we can ever work on understanding the "other side."

Poly folks - open your minds a bit and realize that Mono folks may really feel this way, for good reason. For a pendulum-type, nurturing romantic feelings for another would be selfish and unfair to their other partner, because their love would be divided.

Mono folks - open your minds a bit and understand that Poly folks don't love like we do. That the child and friend analogies actually make sense to them because they don't feel romantic love as exclusively as we do. Just try to accept that if they really are polyamorous, they aren't giving anyone the short end of the stick, love-wise. See what time and experience tells you as their relationships develop. Try asking your friends in polyamorous or mono/poly relationships what they really need in a relationship, what they really gain from this relationship (not in a snarky way, either!), and see how they respond.

And everyone? If you have multiple relationships, make sure everyone's getting what they need and that resource allocation isn't a problem. It's no success to have a partner who accepts or groks Poly while they starve for your time and intimacy. Loving More is great. Loving Well is a different skill entirely.

The Flip Side of Saturation (or, Something's Gotta Give)

Ah, life.

Sometimes things get busy, and then sometimes things get REALLY busy. I've been a bit saturated of late: home improvement projects, work, kids' activities, processing my mom's estate, and most recently, having a large number of house guests. Too many things crammed into too little time and space means something needs to sit on the back burner a while... hence, the lack of posts, here and elsewhere. That home improvement project? A bathroom renovation. Correction, a bathroom renovation which didn't get finished before the house guests arrived. Oops.

Oversaturation can lead to complications.

There's a term in Polyamory called "polysaturation," which is basically the same principle applied to having multiple partners. One hits his or her polysaturation point when they have too many partners to adequately maintain relationships with them or to maintain a life balance outside of them.

I realize that folks who are critical of poly will tend to roll their eyes at this and think, "Poor poly people and their first-world problems." Get it out of your systems, folks. I'm moving on.

It's not always obvious when you've hit that point until you've hit it. When you realize that you haven't been out with your friends in months. When you realize that you haven't read a book, or indulged any of your hobbies. When you realize that your house is a pig sty and your laundry has grown feet and walked away. Then what? Short of creating more hours in a day (sleep? Who needs sleep?), something needs to give. In this case, however, many of those somethings are someones, and if you love them, that's an extremely difficult position in which to find yourself.

Something's gotta give. The oversaturated person needs to first own that yes, they ARE saturated (at least, the hallucinatory fluffy pink flying marshmallow peeps from sleep-deprivation-land should be telling them so), before they can ever try to figure out what to actually do about it.

There's a flip side to all of this, though. This is all from the oversaturated person's point of view. What of their partners?

On the flip side of saturation is dilution. I'd be oh-so-witty and call it monodilution, but honestly, you don't have to be mono to be affected by it. Where saturation deals with "how much is too much," dilution asks, "how little is too little." It's an important consideration, and it's not necessarily a one-for-one relation. One person may be completely unaffected by their partner's schedule (Work, dinner, date, and home at 11? Okay, just turn out the light when you come in!), while another may be absolutely miserable.

For us mono partners, we may be a bit quicker to hit this point, since we're used to the monogamous norm: if you're in a relationship with someone, you can call them pretty much at any time - work notwithstanding, you can see them regularly - and you expect to see them more regularly, even daily, as your relationship progresses, you can assume that your partner will be going to an event with you because he's your partner, and that's what partners do. And in some Poly relationships, this can all fall over on its ear. Many of us, outside of those who have partners who travel for a living, or are deployed overseas, don't know what our dilution point is, because we've never really hit it. We never had to, due to the expectations of the relationship escalator. And now, it's hit us.

I'm not immune. I struggled greatly with this, and it pretty much came to a head early this year.

This past winter was an exercise in frustration: 2 feet of snow every few days (Really, Mother Nature?!), a wood stove that seemed to have a personal vendetta against me (while allowing my partner to light it first time every time, it seemed). Sometimes our schedule (alternating two days with me, then two days with his other live-in partner) would get perturbed due to things beyond our control, and as I shoveled 18" of snow by myself with only a shovel (at least until the neighbor took pity on me), I began to wonder what "having a partner" really means to me.

A partner, to me, is someone who shares your life with you. The good, the bad, the mundane, and all the shared experiences that you have as you go along for the ride. How do I consider someone my partner if they're not around for a sizeable chunk of it all? How do you build shared experiences when your experiences together are limited from the start?

I wish I could say we found a nice, easy answer to that question. I found my own, personal answer a few months later when my mother passed away. My partner was there, no question, as long as I needed him to be. It pretty much cemented in my mind and heart that he is my partner, and he is there for me when I need him, even if this relationship isn't something that fits the norm.

Bringing this back to dilution, though, I've clearly found my dilution point. Anything less than half-time is pretty much untenable. When there are added stressors and/or our time together gets perturbed, I get antsy and time-hoardy, and absolutely need undisturbed reconnection time in order to start feeling normal again. This happens regardless of whether or not my partner is feeling saturated.

So, what do you do about it?

Many mono folks, especially people who have opened up a relationship, worry greatly about this type of thing happening - will my spouse/partner and I have enough time for each other? How will I be able to sleep alone? They've never had to find their dilution point, and are now confronted with having to. It's frightening, and it highlights that yes, there is something they're losing, whether it's time/intimacy already in place with a partner, or a perceived loss of potential (which is what I was feeling) - that the relationship will struggle to become (or stay) "real" and not casual.

The saturated partner, whether poly or even just a workaholic, needs to own their saturation point and learn to work within what they can handle. So too does the mono/diluted partner.

What is it that you need? How much do you need of it?
Ask for it. Talk about it. Keep talking about it, and then talk about it some more. Make your drop-dead requirements known if you know them. Take a stab at them if you don't, and then talk about it again once you realize you're not quite there yet. You are allowed to talk about and request this stuff: your partner isn't a mind-reader, and you're not superhuman. Something's gotta give. Don't let it be your relationship until you at least give it a fighting chance.

Oh... and as for my own saturation? I have approximately a bajillion blog posts in the hopper (give or take), and funnily enough, this wasn't one of them. Go figure. Things are settling down, and I hope to be getting back into the groove now. Thanks to all of you for being patient.

The Insidious "S" - Word

You know the word. It's used ALL the time. And usually ends up making one feel like... well... crap.

That word?

should

We should all over ourselves on a regular basis, it seems - telling ourselves that what we're really doing or feeling isn't good enough. We should all over other people when it seems they're not performing to some arbitrary standard.

I'm not a jealous person; I shouldn't be feeling this way.

I'm poly! I shouldn't be worried about how close the two of them are!

I should be able to do this without asking for help/rules/reassurance; I need to just let it go.

You should be fine with him dating; that's what you signed up for!

Feels like we just got served a should sandwich. Nummy.

In the beginning of my relationship with my partner, I was taken aback by all the emotion and confusion I was dealing with. I'd always been more of a logical person, so I felt like Spock during Pon Farr - I had no idea what the hell all this... stuff... was, and had no idea how to deal with it. Logically, I could understand Poly. Logically, I wasn't a jealous person. Therefore, logically, I should be able to handle it just fine. And so, I buried those feelings.

Amazing how such a small, innocuous word turns into a fantastic tool for minimizing the things we are currently feeling and doing, in favor of what we believe we ought to feel and do, like we're upholding some magical ideal. Instead, we're rendering ourselves and our own feelings invisible, and telling ourselves that we're doing it wrong. That we come short of the ideal. That if we just stopped doing or feeling that, then we'd be fine.

Sometimes, the Poly groups and articles online are the worst offenders. I've seen a handful of articles in the last couple weeks that imply that jealousy just doesn't exist in Poly relationships. I've seen posts online that state that, if you're having a hard time, then maybe you should just give up. If you're jealous/angry/hurt, you've fallen short of the chosen ideal. You're wrong, and you're being unfair to your partner.

I'm monogamous; I get that I'm probably doing it wrong. But if you identify as polyamorous, how on Earth does something like that make you feel when you do have those jealous moments? Either way, you should all over yourself until you stop what you're doing.

Burying my feelings was the absolute worst thing I could have done. My emotions put me in a push/pull cycle of friendship with my metamour, where I tried (VERY) hard to be close with her, and then had to pull away, time and again. I was concerned about feeling second-best (but I shouldn't feel that way!), I was concerned about how her moving in with our partner was going to impact our relationship (but I shouldn't worry - he loves me!), I was still trying to get my own sea legs (but I should just trust my partner and I'll be fine!). And as each emotion got pushed down deeper and deeper, the smiles got faker and faker, and one day I erupted in a miasma of seething resentment.

This, as you may have guessed, didn't really help any.

Once damage control had begun, I realized that I needed to allow myself to feel what I was feeling. Burying it solved nothing, but acknowledging it - really accepting that yes, I am this kind of person... at least at the moment - and working through the reason why (even if it takes a few tries) is monumentally better than closing your eyes to the person you really are, even if you don't like that person all the time.

So how do we quit taking should from people? How do we stop giving people so much should? Whether we're monogamous or polyamorous, it seems like we're constantly stepping in should wherever we go.

Recognizing when you're surrounded by should would be the first step. Don't let that should overwhelm you. It's not real. It's some made-up utopian fantasyland, and you're turning the map over and over again in a vain attempt to find it. After all, others have been there - why can't you follow directions?

Stop.

Assess where you are. What you're feeling. Accept it. Work through it. Even if you don't like it.

Especially if you don't like it.

Time for should to start gettin' real.

On Analogies and Love

If you've taken the SATs (at least, back in the dark ages when I took the SATs), I'm sure you remember that accursed analogy section:

Obsequious : Toast :: Ubiquitous : __________

If we weren't familiar with the words, and we were lucky, we could eliminate a couple choices and have maybe a 50/50 shot of coming up with a right answer. If we weren't lucky, we were sitting, scratching our heads, thinking, "This is a word?!"

Here's one for you:

monogamy : polyamory :: ? : ??

Yeah, I know it's unfair to have two unknowns in the analogy. It's also spot on.

How do you, as a Mono partner of a Poly person, translate your partner's entire way of loving into something you can relate to? If you're like me, it's not something you can emotionally Grok. Intellectually and logically? Sure... you get that monogamy : polyamory :: one : many. That's the easy part. If you're monogamous by nature, though, it's incredibly tough to understand - really understand - how someone can deeply, intimately love more than one person.

It was obvious that my friends didn't understand, either. I heard comments like, "Well, you're the one he really loves; she's just a fling," or, "Well, he'll pick one of you and settle down eventually." Things that were meant to be supportive (and, at one time, were probably exactly what I wanted to hear), but weren't reality.

To be fair, my partner didn't understand me, either. Why was I hurt when he told me, when we were starting our relationship, that he fully expected me to date? Why didn't more love from more people affect me in a positive way by spilling over into the rest of my life, rather than making me a miserable, conflicted mess? Explaining myself to him was like trying to explain what water tastes like. You can't find any words that work, even though you know the feeling quite well.

Some folks like to try to bridge the gap using the "child analogy":
If you have more than one child, you don't love either of them any less.

True. And I understand the point people are trying to make: having multiple romantic partners doesn't have to mean that you love any of them less, either. However, there are a couple reasons this falls flat for me, one of which is simply that the parent/child relationship is vastly different from a relationship between romantic partners. I'm raising my kids to be independent adults, self-sufficient, and able to leave the house and make their own way without me (although a call once in a while would be nice). I'm not grooming my partners to leave me; at least, I hope I'm not. There are enough differences between the two types of relationships that it seems to require a different sense of the word "love" altogether, meaning that we're not really comparing the same thing. Apples and Volkswagons.

I don't really like the "explain Poly by equating it to Mono relationships" type of analogies, because they seem to always fall flat with someone, regardless of how clear the analogy seems. I did prefer the, "Why did you choose to have two kids?" over the previous child analogy, since that seems to remove the whole "love" comparison and just boil it down to, "Because I wanted to." However, not everyone feels the same about it. The, "You don't stop making friends just because you already have friends, right?" analogy sounds great, up to the point where the Mono person responds back with, "But you don't have to sleep with friends." Again, two very different relationships are being compared.

Instead of relating Poly love directly to Mono love, I tried something else: relating them each to familiar, but individual ideas that people can understand. I switched around the analogy:

monogamy : ? :: polyamory : ??

I'm Monogamous. My love is a pendulum.
When I am fully invested in a romantic partnership, that pendulum has swung all the way in that direction.
When I am casually dating, that pendulum is somewhere in the middle, tending to everyone, but nowhere as intense.
I cannot be fully invested in more than one person. My (romantic) love is a zero-sum game. More there equals less here.

My partner is Polyamorous. His love is a fountain.
Everyone within the radius gets just as wet as everyone else.
Space (and time) is a zero-sum game, as there isn't room for everyone in the radius (and some people's radii are smaller than others). However, his love is not. Everyone has the potential to be just as important as anyone else, provided they're fully in the circle.
If one person tries to keep that love all to themselves by putting, say, a bucket over the fountain, it just ends up messy and people still get wet.
He cannot be anything but fully invested within that circle, regardless of how many people are there.

If you've experienced love as a fountain-type your entire life, you can't even comprehend why telling your partner to date would ever be a problem. If you're a pendulum-type, you've just heard, "I want you to love me less." It's no wonder we're completely baffled by each other when we talk about love.

monogamy : pendulum :: polyamory : fountain

Sounds like there should be a fish on a bicycle joke in there somewhere...

What analogies have resonated with you (positively or negatively)? Please share your experiences in the comments.

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Stumbling Along the Path, or... What Happened to My Feet?!

It’s a bit daunting starting a new blog. It feels a bit egocentric to think that, out of the sea of stuff out there on the Internet, anyone would be interested to read what I have to write.

Except, this is the kind of thing I wish I’d had available to me a few years ago.

I’m a monogamous woman, mid-40s, divorced, two kids, and I’m in a relationship with a polyamorous man. When we were first starting out, I looked up anything online that I could find (well, after I was out of denial, I suppose) - anything that could help me navigate this path I’d chosen for myself but had no idea how to walk along. It was like someone had replaced my feet with pegs, swatted me on the ass at the head of the (unmarked) path, and said “have fun storming the castle!”

I chose my path, which makes my experiences different from many people in a Mono/Poly relationship. I walked in with my eyes open, even though I had no idea what I was looking at. The navigating was tough (and still is sometimes), but time and experience have helped me figure out these sticks-for-legs somewhat and muddle my way down the path, although not as comfortably as my partner does.

Many folks find themselves in a marriage or relationship that opens up when their partner comes out as Poly. While that wasn’t my experience, I hope that maybe some of what you read here could be useful, and that maybe you’ll find a sympathetic voice and ear. It’s tough to find material out there for Mono/Poly relationships. While Polyamory seems to be the new buzzword in the media, many of the articles out there tout “Is Polyamory the next Monogamy?” or “Is Monogamy Dead?” and while it’s nice to have mainstream references, they may come off as one-sided or sensationalistic. In addition, if you decide to read the comments on such articles (protip: DON’T READ THE COMMENTS!), they tend to be a hotbed of judgment and name-calling. Not really supportive.

Many sites relating to Polyamory are great if you’re the polyamorous one. They tout the benefits of being open and loving more. They talk of college-aged folks in romantic networks, or poly families where everyone is living together and in love. Sometimes they talk of monogamous oppression, social conditioning, and brainwashing. “Rah-Rah Poly” with an “Anti-Monogamy” slant. Not really supportive.

There was one site I glommed onto in the beginning of my relationship: Franklin Veaux’s “More Than Two” (morethantwo.com). This was one of the first (and only) sites I found that paid more than lip service to mono/poly relationships. Other sites, I’d found, when they did acknowledge mono/poly relationships, either said, “Date within your own species; it’s doomed to failure,” or said things like, “Maybe the Mono person could date someone too” (because we’re all poly inside!). Possibly the best I’d heard was, “It takes a lot of work and communication; good luck.”

Veaux’s site had articles written from the Monogamous partner’s point of view (gasp!) that I actually used to show my partner and his OSO that hey - this is what I’m feeling, and am having trouble articulating - and look! I’m not crazy, dammit! It was refreshing to me to FINALLY be acknowledged as a viable partner with a different, but valid point of view (that wasn’t reduced to “monogamy’s fine for some people, BUT…”).

While I do recommend Franklin Veaux’s site, there are others who take exception to it, and I understand why. For many folks opening a marriage, it’s frightening as hell, and spouses may come to agreements regarding how much time they’re allowed to spend with others, veto privilege (where one spouse can tell the other to stop dating someone if they’re uncomfortable), among others. FV’s view on these types of rules is negative (although he does differentiate between rules and agreements), which leaves some Mono partners feeling, again, unsupported.

So why do we need the support anyway, some people ask. After all, Monogamy is the societal default. We don’t need support to be who we are. Our Poly partners do.

Yes, they do. I’m not going to deny that. It’d be nice to live in a world where people didn’t give a rat’s ass about who people loved (when everyone is a consenting adult).

But if you’re monogamous, and in a Mono/Poly relationship, you know darned well that we need the support from time to time. No, we don’t need support to be monogamous… but try talking to your monogamous friends about your relationship and see where that gets you. If they care about you, they may try to help or save you: “He’s disrespecting you.” “Can’t you see you deserve better?” And forget about ever talking about a problem in your relationship. It’s just proof that “that could never work.” Most of my friends who are accepting still preface their response with, “Well, I could never do that, but if it works for you…” I’ve had good friendships deteriorate because of my relationship, and all because I “deserve better than a part time relationship.”

Support from the poly side? Well, we’re not poly. And to some Poly folks, we’re “the oppressors” or worse, “brainwashed” or “socially conditioned”. To some, if we’d only “see the light” we’d realize that monogamy is a patriarchal construct, meant to control people… and marriage? It’s all about ownership. Some folks are perfectly accepting and helpful, however. It’s wading through the ones who aren’t that gets discouraging, and turns some folks off towards asking Poly folks anything at all.

So, we’re no longer in the Mono world, being in a Poly relationship. We’re not Poly. We’ve got one foot in each world by virtue of simply being in a relationship with this person we love, and we don’t fit into either side.

That’s why we need some support.

That’s why the majority of the pro-Poly pieces out there don’t speak to us

That’s why we feel isolated from our Mono friends and condescended to by some of the Poly folks out there.

That’s why it’s nice to hear a familiar voice.

That said, I’ve carved out some spots for myself that may be helpful:

Yahoo has a pair of sister groups: PolyMono, which is the group for the Mono partners in Mono/Poly relationships, and livingpolymono, which is the group for the Poly partner. Both groups welcome either Mono or Poly folks, but each group focuses toward providing support toward either the Mono or Poly side of the relationship.

The boards at Polyamory.com can be helpful - there are regulars there who have mono spouses, as well as those from all other walks of Poly life: Solo Poly, Poly Families, Relationship Anarchists, etc. The tone can be blunt at times, so if you’re looking for a support group atmosphere, you will need to realize that many posters here don’t mince words.

And now, here.

My intent here is to talk about my experiences - things that have been problematic, things to be aware of, things that we’ve worked through, things that have worked (or haven’t), things that are going well, and to offer an alternative to the “Mono/Poly relationships can never work out” voices that can be discouraging. I’m certainly no expert - we’ve been at this for less than a handful of years - but we’re not noobs (anymore), so maybe something can be useful, even if it’s just to know that there’s someone else with peglegs stumbling along the path ahead of you a bit.

What this blog isn’t: my partner’s voice (he’s got blogs and a voice of his own, and I won’t speak for him). It isn’t a list of “things to do to be happy in your relationship” - everyone’s relationship (and everyone in it) is different, and what works for me may not work for you. It is, however, a chronicle of my journey.

Keep stumbling. I’ll share my bruises and bumps, but I’ll leave some breadcrumbs along the path, and maybe we can find a bar somewhere, sit down, and have a margarita.

Mmm… margaritas.

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