Work in Progress: The Imaginary Third-Wheel Blues

The main reason I started this blog was to try to help folks on either side of Mono/Poly relationships relate a bit better, and to provide one of the few Poly (well, Mono/Poly) resources written from a monogamous point of view (since many mono folks don't really relate well to the For-Poly-By-Poly resources out there). When I post, then, I tend to wait until I feel like I have my shit together - that I've examined it from all sides, come up with whatever awful analogy I hold dear, and can present it in a way that might make sense to both Mono and Poly folks alike.

But I don't always have my shit together, and I struggle with those posts.

This is going to be one of those "work in progress" posts. There are many things I and my partner (and my metamour) have worked through over the five years we've been navigating the Poly road, and that's fantastic. We're all in a different place than we were back then, and I think that's a good thing. However, the issues that remain are the sticky ones, the ones where the root cause isn't easily identified, or solutions aren't easily found.

In the original spirit of this blog, I've tried to dig a bit deeper into the reasons behind the emotions, but it's not a finished product, and I don't know if it ever will be. I do, however, think that sharing these things are a way to show that the passage of time isn't always a silver bullet for the issues in a Mono/Poly relationship. There may be work and maintenance that goes on for the life of the relationship... and if it's manageable for everyone involved, then that's okay.

So... getting to the point.

I tend to prefer a "separation of relationships" when it comes to my partner's partners. I don't really do compersion, outside of a generic sense of, "I'm happy for you." I'm happy my partner gets to be true to who he is, and I'm happy to see him excited about meeting new people, but that's kind of where that ends for me. Everything else to do with a particular relationship - things they obviously enjoy and get excited about - cross that line of separation, and I feel like I'm intruding on that relationship, even if they don't feel that way.

This comes to a head in very inconvenient ways, however.

My partner's other nesting partner lived for years in a Big Coastal City, which will subsequently be referred to as "BigCoastalCity" (because I'm nothing if not original). BigCoastalCity is on the opposite coast from the general area in which we all live now, but in the early stages of their relationship, he would fly out to visit, and they, of course, had some great "together time" and made many memories out in BigCoastalCity.

Which is why I blanched every time he would tell me that *we* should visit BigCoastalCity. Because that's *theirs*. Because anything that we would do would be clouded by "this was their stomping ground, and their experiences." Because I would be a third wheel going to their special places.

Not that THEY said any of this, mind you. This is all my own internal monologue working overtime.

That said, let's rewind a bit. Early on in our relationship, when both relationships were still young and the path we were walking wasn't just strewn with holes, but the occasional lava flow, my partner and meta were tossing around the idea of going to ForeignCountry (consistency in originality... that's my bit). I clearly had some sort of presence of mind to know that this was going to be an issue for me, and I brought up the idea, early on, that I didn't want anyone in either of these relationships to be limited by what's "ours" versus "theirs." In other words, I didn't want ForeignCountry to be "theirs" and feel unable to share it with my partner in our own way. We all agreed, and I felt pretty good about it. No artificial limitations.

So why on earth am I shutting MYSELF out of the things I feel are "theirs"?

I do this with quite a few things: places that have special meaning to them, TV shows they both like, music they both like - anything that my brain/heart have come to think of as "theirs". I have a feeling it's why, despite my need to keep my Geek Cred up (I clearly haven't gotten enough CECs in lately), I haven't been motivated to finish watching Firefly yet. Please, feel free to beat some sense into me here. I probably deserve it.

When they express enthusiasm for something together, I wall it off as "theirs" - and wall myself off from it in the process. Why?

I'm not entirely sure, but I have some theories. Come, we'll go spelunking in my brain...

In monogamous relationships, you don't really have this situation. Places you went and things you did with your ex are in the past. Maybe you look back wistfully at the time, place, and situation, but ostensibly, you've moved on. If you're in a new relationship, you're building new experiences, even if they're built on things that happened in the past. The experiences of your past shaped and influenced you, but you're focused on the "now". Focused on the "new". The past is in the past. In polyamorous relationships, this isn't necessarily the case - both relationships and experiences may be happening "now".

Because these experiences with an ex happened in the past, it's easier (at least for me) to process those emotions. It becomes "this is a place you liked and now you want to share it with me" and I end up feeling happy that you want to share this important place/thing/idea/whatever with me now.

But in a Poly relationship, there is no sense of "now this is ours". There's no sense of having moved on. And as such, I feel awkward about hanging around BigCoastalCity because in the back of my mind, I'm wondering things like, "Is this reminding Partner of Meta and the things they did here? Is he not in the moment with me? Is he wishing he could be here with her because they shared x, y, and z together?" Basically, I wonder if I'll feel like I'm on a "Partner and Meta tour of BigCoastalCity"... like a third wheel.

Now, I *know* that different experiences happen with different people, even in the same places. I've gone to BigOtherCoastalCity with not only my partner, but with friends, with my daughter and her dance class, and yes, with my ex-husband. And with each and every one of those people (or groups of people), I had different experiences. I know that, and I've felt that. I'm even happy at a general level that my partner gets to experience that with multiple people. However, when he does, the emotional side of me goes, "Okay, this is now their thing, move along. Nothing to see here."

There's a reason that the Heart and Brain warrant their own webcomic.

It's even goofier because if Meta came to me and said, "Oh! You should go see this," I'd register it as a friend giving me some pointers. But if Partner wants us to do something because he and Meta did it, now it's "theirs" and a source of discomfort. Oy. Brain is looking at Heart, going, "Dude! WTF!"

And so, I'm trying to fix it by pushing myself through those uncomfortable feelings. Not only am I going to eventually cue up Firefly (maybe after Stranger Things), but I'm going to BigCoastalCity with my partner. I have asked for reassurance (to try to help poor old emotional Heart deal with things a bit better) that this will not be a "Partner and Meta Tour of the City," but our trip. Not that it wouldn't have been anyway, but you know... emotions.

It's funny... there are things that I've found easier to navigate within a polyamorous context than others. Sexual fidelity, for example, was never a big deal to me, while I know it's extremely important to others. This? This is one of my hangups.

At least for now. Gotta have something interesting to work on, no?

Any advice or commiseration, please feel free to comment.

Guest Post: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and Mono/Poly Relationships

Today's post comes from a post Gwenyth made over at the Mono/Poly Yahoo Group, who likened the adjustment phases a Mono partner goes through to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I thought it was a well thought out post and wanted to share it here with her permission and minimal edits (removing some of the initial personal details and correcting some typos only). Thank you, Gwenyth!

~~

For those who are not familiar with [Maslow's Hierarchy], it is a psychological theory on human development. It basically says that until the most base needs are met (represented by the bottom of a pyramid) a person is unlikely to have the energy to think about, let alone focus on, the next level up. (here is a link to a good illustration of the pyramid if anyone wants to see it http://www.theblaze.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Maslow-Hierarchy.jpg). 

Well, as I was typing a post to Facebook, I realized that this applies very much to poly/mono relationships, especially when poly is new or there is NRE in the air.  Many poly folks get frustrated with how long it takes their mono partners to adjust and/or how they react when a new relationship actually begins. And yet, Maslow's Hierarchy actually explains it pretty well.

You see, on the first/lowest level, is physical needs like food and water. However sex is also on that list. I have seen/heard more than a couple mono folks who get 'jealous' that their partner/metamour is getting more sex than them (not always the case of course). Well, it seems to make perfect sense that if the mono's sexual needs are not being met, they are definitely not going to be all peachy, happy that their sole partner is getting their needs met elsewhere.

The next level of the hierarchy includes security of body, resources family and the like. Now, a partner can tell me all they want that bringing poly into the mix is not going to put any of these things at risk. However, it has to be remembered that a sense of security is a feeling, not a reality. I know a woman who has $60,000 in savings and worries on a regular basis about whether or not she can afford things, like going out to dinner at a reasonably priced family restaurant. That makes no sense to me, but it is her reality based on her experiences. Feeling secure in your relationship, feeling that your life and home are not about to fall into chaos and ruin is a feeling. Security comes from experiencing, again and again, that a set of events or circumstances are safe and can be counted on. If poly is new, there is no experience to grant that sense of security. It is going to take time for those experiences to build.

Now, let's jump a couple levels to the 4th level up (and the 2nd from the top) this one is all about confidence, self esteem, respect of others and the like. These are many of the things that help to make poly work (in my opinion). But here's the catch. Most people are not going to give a rats back side about the respect of others and is not going to have the energy to work on their own confidence or self esteem if they don't feel secure in their family or home. 

So, if a poly person REALLY wants to make poly work, they need to work WITH their partner/s to make sure that these more basic needs, like sex, security and belonging (the level I skipped) are met before the 'higher' needs can even be considered.

At the top of the hierarchy are things like problem solving, lack of prejudice and accepting facts. Funny, Those are all pretty important for poly to work. And again, those are never going to come about until everyone feels secure and confidant. 

Yet, so often I see and hear how people new to poly are trying to jump right to the top of the these things. Unfortunately, that doesn't work. We have to start at the bottom and work our way up. It's the only way to build a strong base upon which to build.

Blessings

Sometimes, the "Why" Does Matter (Or, Really Bad Motorcycle Analogies)

Occasionally, I run across the occasional thread online that goes something like this:

Worried partner of a Poly person looks for reassurance when their partner is out on a date / overnight / away for a weekend / trip / whatever

Poly person responding asks, "Why is it any different from your partner being away for business?"

Worried partner either has no words to describe why, or states that they fear that their partner being away with someone else will hurt their relationship.

And not much happens after that, other than a discussion from like-minded people that this absence is no different from any other, maybe some advice to the worried partner about how to spend their time, but nothing that really addresses the underlying issue (but thanks, though, to the folks who offer advice).

So, here's where my unholy love of bad analogies comes in. Let me tell you a story...

My ex-husband didn't like motorcycles. His dad rode one. His mom's boyfriend rode one. His mom even got her license but didn't feel comfortable on one, even after her trip to Sturgis with her boyfriend. He remained absolute in his conviction that riding a motorcycle was RISKY BEHAVIOR. He and I saw his mom's boyfriend go through surgery to correct a leg injury that happened when he hit sand at an offramp and went down, hard. He saw his dad (and uncle and others) "walking funny" and believed that it was all because riding a motorcycle made you more prone to injury, and why on earth would any responsible human being put themselves at risk like that? At one point, when we were still dating, he had me promise him that I would never get on a motorcycle (and yes, I made that promise, because it was clearly far less important to me than it was to him, so sure... no skin off my back).

I, on the other hand, believe that different people have different levels of acceptable risk. For every idiot riding his speed machine in between lanes on the highway at a buck-twenty in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops, there are many, many other riders who wear the proper gear, watch the other drivers like a hawk, and generally take as much caution as they can when they ride.

Why do they ride? I'm sure there are many answers, but for some, it's the feeling of freedom - feeling the sun on your face, being surrounded by nothing but open sky. For others, it's the idea of having a summer vehicle that gets far better mileage than a minivan (okay, so I may be biased here). For others, it may be the sense of community they feel as a rider.

So let's say I really, really decided I wanted to ride a motorcycle while I was still married to my ex. I yearned for the freedom of the road. I went to get my licence, bought a motorcycle, started talking to other enthusiasts, but only noodled around town because my husband was anxious about it... until I decided I really, really wanted to go on a road trip.

For someone like my ex, this would be far, FAR different from taking the same trip in a car. This would have been MUCH more dangerous, since I would be much more vulnerable on a bike. He may grow to resent the people I hung out with, thinking that they were putting him down as a stick in the mud, and encouraging me to just up and go, and that he'd just need to deal with it. And, to be honest, maybe some of them would have, although I'm sure some in the community would have their own advice to give.

To many people who've had their relationships open up, polyamory is just as scary and potentially dangerous. It's not a danger to your life, but a danger to the relationship. Instead of nice, safe monogamy, their partner is playing with fire by getting involved with other people, and we saw how that worked out for Judy and Steve when Steve was cheating on her with that hussy from work... How could my partner not see that? Even worse, how could they want that when they know this is risky to our relationship? How could they want that when they know how much I worry? Why would they put me through that?

Do I have an answer? No. And I wouldn't advocate that you listen to me anyway. This blog is just trying to bridge the communication gap... it's up to you to actually do the communicating.

Sometimes, the motorcyclist just really, really needs that feeling of freedom (full poly). Sometimes, they can compromise and just ride around town (maybe open, with some rules attached). Sometimes, they are willing to just set that aside because it really wasn't that important to them anyway (stay in a monogamous relationship). Sometimes, the worried partner can go get a license of their own, realize they like it, and go riding themselves (try and enjoy poly). They can accept their differences, worry but talk about it, and give their partner space to ride (many mono/poly relationships), or they can say, "If you keep riding, I won't be able to handle it," and a decision will have to be made. Nothing's etched in stone, but it's far more complex than, "isn't it the same thing as a business trip?"

In the end, no. It's not.
Sometimes the reason for the thing is the problem, and not the thing itself.

And yes, now that I'm free of that promise, I hope to take the motorcycle class next year, when I can afford a bike. And no, that wasn't a metaphor. :-)

What's in it for Me? Or for You?

Ah, summer... when life gets in the way. In a good way.
Apologies to my readers, but a new garage roof, riding a 325-foot coaster five times in one day (among other coasters), planting bushes in the front yard, planting grass, working some more on the bathroom project, and general out-and-aboutness have put me in the position of having over 150 unread emails, a bunch of "things you missed" messages from Twitter, and a dusty blog.

<sharp breath, brings out the feather duster>

There. <pat pat>
:-)

In that time, there was one thread on the mono/poly email lists that caught my eye, and I wanted to talk about it a bit here. I asked permission from folks on the list to use their thoughts and ideas if I needed to, but in the end, I figured I'd use my own thoughts and just pose the question to you as well. Apologies to anyone who hoped to be (not at all) famous by being quoted here.

Many mono folks in mono/poly relationships go through the "what's in it for me" phase. You're getting what you want; what am I getting out of this?


It happens quite a bit with people who open a monogamous relationship, with one partner feeling as though they're just there to keep the home/kids/finances in order while their newly-poly partner goes out to play. What's in it for the mono partner? What do THEY get from a poly relationship when all it seems to do is take their partner away from them and they don't want more "free time"? Why does it matter if they get a happier partner when it comes at the the expense of their own happiness?

I won't get too deep into that question, except to reiterate that maybe flipping around the question to ask "what do I get out of maintaining a relationship with my partner" would be the better way to go. In asking that question instead, you can feel free to add polyamory to the "cons" column, but hopefully the "pros" in your relationship with your partner outweigh the cons.

No, instead the question got flipped around on the mono partners on the lists: What do YOU think your poly partner gains from having an opened/poly relationship?

Mono partners, what do you think? What's in it for them?

<No, really...  dig into what you think before I go prattling on. I'll wait.>

So, what's in it for your partner?

I'm sure many of you had the "Well, DUH!" moment when you first read the question: they get to go out and play without taking responsibility, they get to have ALL THE SEX. It's playtime, and they get to quit adulting for a while. No responsibilities, no compromises, no strings. They get to play at being single again.

There are some people who go absolutely cuckoo when they open their relationships. They do forget about their responsibilities, and they seem to steamroll their loved ones' feelings in favor of their own. These people do exist. There are many others, however, who just want to do things the right way. What's in it for them?

When I observe my partner and what he really values in his relationships, it's not "ALL THE SEX!" (although I'd be remiss if I didn't admit that it's certainly a bonus). Your mileage may vary, and I'm not speaking for my partner, but this is my perception of what I see:

• My partner seems to enjoy connections. Meeting people, getting to know their stories, really getting to know them closely without having to step back and avoid emotional intimacy (and limiting that connection).
• My partner can be free to have friendships with people that involve elements that many people would consider romantic, and therefore, off-limits. He can go to a friend who needs comforting, hold her hand, spend time alone with her, embrace her, and help her feel better - all without anyone worrying that he's going to piss anyone off or not be allowed to see her again.
• He gets to have different people and relationships in his life: the spontaneous and the traditional, without valuing one over the other, but experiencing them both.

And on and on, but there's far more to it than sex and playtime. What I see is the desire to form deep connections with more than one person and not feel constrained or conflicted as to when they need to stop connecting because they've "gone too far". It's not really playing at being single at all. There is an element of freedom there, but also an element of caring. Of wanting to feel all the feels and learn all the things about someone. And yes, that level of intimacy can lead to physical intimacy, whether it's hand-holding, a kiss, a dance, or yes - sex. It's all part of growing that bond.

That's my perception of what I see in my own partner, and it may or may not jive with your own observations or feelings. It does serve to illustrate that the benefits to the poly partner can go way beyond having more sex with more people, and it may be worth having that conversation. If we can gain some intimacy with our own partners by learning what makes them tick (and allowing them to be freer to be themselves around us), then maybe that's an added bonus for us mono partners after all.

You Can't Be "Everything"...

One of the basic tenets of Polyamory that's discussed in order to explain (justify? defend?) it to monogamous people is that it's unreasonable to expect anyone to be your "everything." That even in monogamous relationships, one partner has the friends they go to Comic Cons with while the other goes on the Quilting Cruise - we all have different groups of people with whom we do different things.

I do tend to agree with this. We all have different interests, and sometimes our circles don't overlap with our partners' in the Venn Diagram of our relationships. Ignoring the common response of "but why do you have to have RELATIONSHIPS to do that when I do that stuff with my friends," (which is something that, as a person pretty firmly planted in the monogamous side of the mono/poly spectrum, I just don't personally Grok), there's another issue with this idea that doesn't usually get discussed.

When you limit interests to only your partners who share that common interest, then you're only painting a partial picture of yourself to other partner(s).

Regardless of whether or not we "click" on, say, comic books, I want to get to know my partner... and yes, that includes being introduced to that interest. I may go to one con, only to never go again, but at least I've been introduced to it. I can see your giddy interest in it - can see you act like a little kid when you meet your favorite artist - and I can appreciate that, even if I don't appreciate the interest itself, or ever choose to go to another con. You've shared that with me.

If you have a partner who also appreciates comics, and you only go to cons with them because that's the person you share that interest with? It prevents me from ever seeing that giddy, little kid side of you... and I think that's a shame.

I don't want to see only some facets of my partner; I want to get to know them. All of them. At least, as much as I can.

I understand things like Cons involve resources like vacation time, money, etc., and those by their very nature are limited. I understand that, because of this, the most "bang for your buck" will be to bring the partner who actually enjoys these activities. However, you run the risk of becoming compartmentalized to your different partners - becoming different people, depending on your audience. And I don't know... if you prefer your relationships to be a big network of people you can diversify around, then clearly that's okay, but if you're in an entwined partnership? Especially with a monogamous person who doesn't have it in their nature to want to diversify? It seems to miss the point. I suppose Polyamory gives you both options.

At any rate, I know people can't be everything to each other, but I personally like the chance to share something that I never would have tried if I hadn't been introduced to it.

Ready for the "but" now?
There's always a "but"...

The flipside to this is when people try too hard to BE ALL THE THINGS. Having something shared with you doesn't mean you're obligated to actually enjoy it, and it certainly shouldn't pressure you to either do so, or fake it when you don't; it just gives you greater insight into what makes your partner tick. This is the point behind "you can't be everything to your partner." Enjoy the sharing. Let your horizons get expanded a bit. And if you find that it's not your bag (baby), that's okay. Send your partner off with a smooch and a "have a great time" and know that they're going to be a giddy little kid on the other side.

And if you're feeling shut out? Ask. Just be ready to hear your partner gush about their favorite comic book artist for a while.

Disclaimer: The examples herein do not represent any person, living or dead. That is to say... I *like* comic cons.

On Trust (and Really Bad Automotive Analogies)

Sometimes, even as things get easier, I find myself getting wrapped around the axle from time to time. A new date can lead to worries about the future... about who this person will become in my partner's life... about where that may leave us if he wants to spend more time with them.

It certainly gets frustrating for the Poly partner at times, especially if you've been down this road before.

Why don't you trust me?

If you're like me, you struggle for words here.

If you're like me, you DO trust your partner. You know that they love you and that they want to be in this relationship with you. You've seen that they enjoy your presence in their life and they enjoy being a part of yours. But there's something, though, that rung the warning bell, and it's causing you worry. It's not distrust, but what IS it?

My car.

No, not really, but bear with me.

I trust my car to get me from Point A to Point B. We all do. Yet we all also know that someday, our cars won't be able to do it anymore. Knowing that it will one day drive its last doesn't make me trust my car any less... I know that my car doesn't WANT to conk out on the side of the road. It's built to drive. That's what it does.

So I trust it, until something changes. A light goes on. A funny smell. An odd noise or a shimmy or a weirdness in how it shifts. Maybe it starts burning through oil. Maybe the mileage goes down. Either way, something changes, either immediately or over time, and you notice. Sometimes the change is even enough to cause serious discomfort (okay, perhaps the bad thermostat in my van while the temperatures are in the teens prompted this analogy) and you want to fix it NOW.

It's not time to give up the car, though, is it? It's time for maintenance. A tune-up, or an oil change, or maybe just running over to AutoZone and seeing what that Check Engine code really means. I still trust my car, but I know it needs attention. I need to take action and do something, or its lifespan will be impacted.

Some of us have pretty low tolerances. A light goes on, and we're at the mechanic to diagnose it. Others may give it enough time to know that when the "Service Engine Soon" light comes on, it's usually after it rains, and it'll go out once the engine dries out (ever get overly emotional while PMS'ing and then wonder what the hell THAT was all about two days later? Yeah. Me too).

Others have the faith and trust in their experiences, knowing that this behavior probably means that that part needs to be replaced, and oh, here's how to do that. Some don't have that level of experience, but are willing to learn. Some don't want to deal with the innards of their own cars at all.

I think you get where I'm going with this.

When things are running smoothly, then it's very easy to trust. There's reliability. There's comfort. Monogamous relationships by nature, don't change circumstances all that often, so it's easy to happily cruise along. When circumstances do change, it's often traumatic. The change itself is unexpected, never mind the circumstances behind the change.

Many Poly relationships regularly involve elements of change. A new date. A schedule change. A change in a Partner's partner's life that impacts you. More people means more complexity. More moving parts to break down or begin to wear against each other. Without a lot of experience, every change is a cause for taking that car to the mechanic.

It's not a lack of trust. It's not doubt over how much your partner cares about you. It's fear that this circumstance - this thing you hit in the road - may change your relationship, and you need to dig into it and diagnose it before you feel comfortable again.

Blind trust has its own set of problems anyway. Many a monogamous relationship has ended because the people in it have missed (or ignored) indications of a problem, or failed to maintain the relationship. I thought my marriage of 17 years was fine, until my Ex and I realized it wasn't, and we'd been ignoring (or not understanding) the warning lights for some time. Trust twists itself into complacency - "My car will never let me down," which is unrealistic when there's no upkeep being done.

Maybe, after all, it isn't a bad thing when a change causes your Mono partner (or ANY partner for that matter) to have cause for concern. It's not necessarily a lack of trust in their Poly partner. It could very well be more of a warning that some good maintenance needs to be done here. Hopefully after enough visits to the shop, some good quality work, and enough familiarity with how this particular car drives, it becomes more preventive maintenance rather than reactive. After all, nobody keeps up a car they've given up on.

~

A Followup on Saturation (Or, the Other 'S' Word: Selfishness)

Instead of digging up the notes I have on my "5 Love Languages" book review (which I'll get to, I promise), I wanted to follow up on something I pretty much pooh-poohed in my last post:

There's a term in Polyamory called "polysaturation," which is basically the same principle applied to having multiple partners. One hits his or her polysaturation point when they have too many partners to adequately maintain relationships with them or to maintain a life balance outside of them.

I realize that folks who are critical of poly will tend to roll their eyes at this and think, "Poor poly people and their first-world problems." Get it out of your systems, folks. I'm moving on.

I'm not trying to dismiss anyone's very real frustration at this; it just wasn't quite what I was getting at in my last post. Time for a follow-up.

It isn't really polysaturation here that's being called into question, but the act of having multiple partners in and of itself: if you have multiple partners, how on earth can you devote enough time, resources, and just plain intimacy to the partners you have without leaving them wanting? It's the root of the whole "Polyamory is selfish" belief that many people on the outside - sometimes on the inside - of such relationships can have.

Let's take a step back and bring in an old friend we see pop up on Facebook and Twitter now and again:

Veracity of the quote aside (everyone quotes it, yet nobody seems to have a source), let's forget about resources: for many people, it's the act of loving another that undermines the first relationship. We see things through our own filters; if we're monogamous pendulum-types, then yes, nurturing feelings for another does negatively impact our existing relationship. Any pendulum-type who would do so should expect this, and therefore is being selfish by neglecting their existing relationship in favor of someone new. Lack of available resources just adds to the mix, when someone is okay with the concept, just not so much with the execution.

There's a huge disconnect between monogamous pendulum-types and polyamorous fountain-types in their understanding of each other. Many poly folks get out of sorts (and rightly so) when they see things like the Depp quote above, or hear that Poly folks are selfish. In their defense, some trot out our other good friends we see time and again:

• My friends don't feel neglected when I make new friends, do they?
• I don't love my children any less when I have another child, do I? Maybe I should put my first child up for adoption because I can't love them as much as my youngest.

Or the jokes:

• That's right, I'm stealing ALL THE LADIES! Well, you can date them too! How is that selfish?

As I mentioned back in my first post here, these responses do nothing to bridge the gap - instead, they just cover it in day-glo yellow paint and highlight it even more. The sheer nature of a romantic relationship to a monogamous pendulum-type person is very, very different from either of these, and it's like equating apples to elephants. Of course it doesn't impact your relationship with your friends or your children. Of course it does impact your romantic relationships! And the poly, fountain-type person just sits there baffled by the distinction.

My point in all this isn't to scold anyone, or to fix anything single-handedly. It's just to present the understanding that there is a very real disconnect in the ways in which Poly and Mono folks see romantic relationships and love others. The perspective that polyamory is selfish is a byproduct of this.

It's a belief that such a relationship has to, by nature, be selfish, because we pendulum-types see things through our own filters (as does everyone else). It's not always an attack on Poly folks (although I'm sure some folks say it with enough distaste that it may as well be). It is a very real perspective that needs to be acknowledged and not mocked or dismissed out of hand (or wittily wordsmithed away into friend or child analogies) before we can ever work on understanding the "other side."

Poly folks - open your minds a bit and realize that Mono folks may really feel this way, for good reason. For a pendulum-type, nurturing romantic feelings for another would be selfish and unfair to their other partner, because their love would be divided.

Mono folks - open your minds a bit and understand that Poly folks don't love like we do. That the child and friend analogies actually make sense to them because they don't feel romantic love as exclusively as we do. Just try to accept that if they really are polyamorous, they aren't giving anyone the short end of the stick, love-wise. See what time and experience tells you as their relationships develop. Try asking your friends in polyamorous or mono/poly relationships what they really need in a relationship, what they really gain from this relationship (not in a snarky way, either!), and see how they respond.

And everyone? If you have multiple relationships, make sure everyone's getting what they need and that resource allocation isn't a problem. It's no success to have a partner who accepts or groks Poly while they starve for your time and intimacy. Loving More is great. Loving Well is a different skill entirely.

The Flip Side of Saturation (or, Something's Gotta Give)

Ah, life.

Sometimes things get busy, and then sometimes things get REALLY busy. I've been a bit saturated of late: home improvement projects, work, kids' activities, processing my mom's estate, and most recently, having a large number of house guests. Too many things crammed into too little time and space means something needs to sit on the back burner a while... hence, the lack of posts, here and elsewhere. That home improvement project? A bathroom renovation. Correction, a bathroom renovation which didn't get finished before the house guests arrived. Oops.

Oversaturation can lead to complications.

There's a term in Polyamory called "polysaturation," which is basically the same principle applied to having multiple partners. One hits his or her polysaturation point when they have too many partners to adequately maintain relationships with them or to maintain a life balance outside of them.

I realize that folks who are critical of poly will tend to roll their eyes at this and think, "Poor poly people and their first-world problems." Get it out of your systems, folks. I'm moving on.

It's not always obvious when you've hit that point until you've hit it. When you realize that you haven't been out with your friends in months. When you realize that you haven't read a book, or indulged any of your hobbies. When you realize that your house is a pig sty and your laundry has grown feet and walked away. Then what? Short of creating more hours in a day (sleep? Who needs sleep?), something needs to give. In this case, however, many of those somethings are someones, and if you love them, that's an extremely difficult position in which to find yourself.

Something's gotta give. The oversaturated person needs to first own that yes, they ARE saturated (at least, the hallucinatory fluffy pink flying marshmallow peeps from sleep-deprivation-land should be telling them so), before they can ever try to figure out what to actually do about it.

There's a flip side to all of this, though. This is all from the oversaturated person's point of view. What of their partners?

On the flip side of saturation is dilution. I'd be oh-so-witty and call it monodilution, but honestly, you don't have to be mono to be affected by it. Where saturation deals with "how much is too much," dilution asks, "how little is too little." It's an important consideration, and it's not necessarily a one-for-one relation. One person may be completely unaffected by their partner's schedule (Work, dinner, date, and home at 11? Okay, just turn out the light when you come in!), while another may be absolutely miserable.

For us mono partners, we may be a bit quicker to hit this point, since we're used to the monogamous norm: if you're in a relationship with someone, you can call them pretty much at any time - work notwithstanding, you can see them regularly - and you expect to see them more regularly, even daily, as your relationship progresses, you can assume that your partner will be going to an event with you because he's your partner, and that's what partners do. And in some Poly relationships, this can all fall over on its ear. Many of us, outside of those who have partners who travel for a living, or are deployed overseas, don't know what our dilution point is, because we've never really hit it. We never had to, due to the expectations of the relationship escalator. And now, it's hit us.

I'm not immune. I struggled greatly with this, and it pretty much came to a head early this year.

This past winter was an exercise in frustration: 2 feet of snow every few days (Really, Mother Nature?!), a wood stove that seemed to have a personal vendetta against me (while allowing my partner to light it first time every time, it seemed). Sometimes our schedule (alternating two days with me, then two days with his other live-in partner) would get perturbed due to things beyond our control, and as I shoveled 18" of snow by myself with only a shovel (at least until the neighbor took pity on me), I began to wonder what "having a partner" really means to me.

A partner, to me, is someone who shares your life with you. The good, the bad, the mundane, and all the shared experiences that you have as you go along for the ride. How do I consider someone my partner if they're not around for a sizeable chunk of it all? How do you build shared experiences when your experiences together are limited from the start?

I wish I could say we found a nice, easy answer to that question. I found my own, personal answer a few months later when my mother passed away. My partner was there, no question, as long as I needed him to be. It pretty much cemented in my mind and heart that he is my partner, and he is there for me when I need him, even if this relationship isn't something that fits the norm.

Bringing this back to dilution, though, I've clearly found my dilution point. Anything less than half-time is pretty much untenable. When there are added stressors and/or our time together gets perturbed, I get antsy and time-hoardy, and absolutely need undisturbed reconnection time in order to start feeling normal again. This happens regardless of whether or not my partner is feeling saturated.

So, what do you do about it?

Many mono folks, especially people who have opened up a relationship, worry greatly about this type of thing happening - will my spouse/partner and I have enough time for each other? How will I be able to sleep alone? They've never had to find their dilution point, and are now confronted with having to. It's frightening, and it highlights that yes, there is something they're losing, whether it's time/intimacy already in place with a partner, or a perceived loss of potential (which is what I was feeling) - that the relationship will struggle to become (or stay) "real" and not casual.

The saturated partner, whether poly or even just a workaholic, needs to own their saturation point and learn to work within what they can handle. So too does the mono/diluted partner.

What is it that you need? How much do you need of it?
Ask for it. Talk about it. Keep talking about it, and then talk about it some more. Make your drop-dead requirements known if you know them. Take a stab at them if you don't, and then talk about it again once you realize you're not quite there yet. You are allowed to talk about and request this stuff: your partner isn't a mind-reader, and you're not superhuman. Something's gotta give. Don't let it be your relationship until you at least give it a fighting chance.

Oh... and as for my own saturation? I have approximately a bajillion blog posts in the hopper (give or take), and funnily enough, this wasn't one of them. Go figure. Things are settling down, and I hope to be getting back into the groove now. Thanks to all of you for being patient.

Review: PolyWeekly Podcast 398 - Poly-Mono Mix

I think we've all had this happen at least once or twice - that odd synchronicity of events where, say, you hear a song you haven't heard in a while, or an odd word in conversation, and for the next few weeks you hear it EVERYWHERE.

A couple weeks ago, I was perusing my Twitter feed and noticed that Minx (of Polyamory Weekly fame) had posted a link to the latest PW podcast, related to Mono/Poly relationships (Podcast #398). Naturally, I had to check it out, and ended up stifling a laugh as I saw "avoid 'shoulding' on yourself" mentioned there, too. Clearly, I'm not as original as I thought. <cue sad trombone music>

Wounded pride notwithstanding, I gave the podcast a listen. This is big for me. I don't really listen to podcasts in general; I'm not a 'talk-radio' kind of girl. Plus, although I'd known about Minx's podcast for a while, I figured that despite my relationship configuration, I'm not Poly, have no interest in being Poly, so what benefit would I gain from listening to a poly podcast? This one, though, had my situation written all over it, and my curiosity got the better of me.

Before I continue, I want to stress that the letter-writer to whom Minx was replying (ChasingJoy) is in a very specific place - not only researching polyamory for her husband's benefit (as he was the one who "came out" as Poly), but because she was also interested in it as a potential relationship style for herself, even though she was struggling. Minx and Lusty Guy's responses should be considered with that point of view in mind. Some of the wording used may make some mono folks cringe. I know that I cringed (heck, my partner cringed!) when I heard the advice, "don't expect to change quickly," because I personally don't want to change. I like monogamous me the way I am, and I don't like the implication that change is required. However, there is definite acknowledgment from both Minx and Lusty Guy that you don't have to try to be Poly just because your spouse is, and hearing that validation helped calm my initial knee-jerk reaction enough to remind me that they're responding to ChasingJoy, and not my own situation.

Sometimes the world doesn't revolve around me. Who knew?

That aside, Minx and LG spend some time discussing how to take care of yourself when you're anxious about this transition, especially when your partner is out with other partners/dates of their own, and I think much of it is extremely good advice: quit with the "shoulds" (I've said enough about this already), do some positive reinforcement (take credit for the good things), and stand up for what you need in your relationship, outside of whatever other relationships your partner has. All good stuff. Self-care is extremely important, especially when you're struggling. Asking for the things you need, while keeping your partner's other partners/dates/activities out of it is a means of taking that focus and putting it back on you and your relationship, where it belongs. If I'm happy in my relationship, then I'm less stressed about what my partner's doing with other people.

There were, however, a couple pieces of advice that gave me pause, and I'll explain why, at least from my experience. Obviously, your mileage may vary.

"Fake it 'Til You Make It"

Ugh.

I've seen this echoed elsewhere, and I'm really not a fan of this approach. It just doesn't work for me. I find it to be too tangled up in the "shoulds". I don't like how I'm acting/feeling, so I'm going to put on an outward appearance of acting like I feel I should in order to get by.

In my case, it turned into burying the negative emotions I was feeling, and thinking that things were going to be great if I could only accept this, or do that. I put on the smile and faked it. Right up 'til the volcano popped and the eruption occurred. "Fake it 'til you explode" was my reality.

I don't fake it anymore. If I'm upset, I talk about it. If I'm worried about something, I bring it up. If I ever find myself in another relationship, I am going to be that man's worst nightmare, since at this point, I'm accustomed to not even saying that we need to talk - I just drop it all out on the table so we can talk about it and work it out. And we do. I lucked out with a partner (and metamours) who are good with communicating and coming to resolution, but faking my way through never gave us that opportunity.

"Distract, Distract, Distract"

"What do I do when my partner goes out and I'm home alone?"

I've seen this question so many places, and it really is a difficult answer.

Minx and LG talk about a three-step process, which I think is a good one overall:

1. Check in with your partner beforehand
2. Distract yourself during the event
3. Reconnect afterward

But, boy... to a struggling Mono partner, "Distract yourself" can sound extremely dismissive. At first glance, it sounds remarkably like your older sibling trying to get rid of you after mom made you hang out. Here's five bucks. Go do something. Get lost. 

It feels like busy work, and to someone who's used to being joined at the hip to their partner, used to sharing your lives with each other, being told to now "go find something to do" can be just plain hurtful and dismissive of your feelings.

Except, when you boil it down and examine its intent, it's really not.

This is where I think the wording does us a disservice; distracting yourself only goes so far. If there is something nagging at you, making you anxious, then if your focus is only on distracting yourself, it isn't going to work. See that pink elephant? Don't look at it! You can't look at it! The stress will just hover like a cloud over whatever it is you're doing, and you won't be able to help but think about it. So no... for me, distracting yourself isn't the only answer, but it's part of it.

Here's my reinterpretation of "distract, distract, distract":

1. Find something to do that enriches you
2. Continue to work on the underlying anxiety

If you're really struggling, this is not something that can be accomplished in one night, and Minx acknowledges that this kind of thing is a process that takes time.

Finding an activity that enriches you is more than going out and kvetching with the girls, or watching some bad TV. Those things may work in the moment, but chances are, if the stress level is high, you're going to have a hard time focusing on the activity, rather than on avoiding the pink elephant. Instead, try to find something you really, truly enjoy. Something that uplifts and enriches you. Something you can get lost in, to the point where you pick your head up and wonder where the time has gone. Gardening and yard work is my medicine - I can lose all track of time, even when I'm in a particularly craptacular mood, and I end up coming out the other side feeling much happier in my own skin. What is it for you? Making music? Writing? Home improvements? Church or spiritual activities? Video games? Cooking? It may take time to try on various things before you find one that fits (heck, it may even take some training - photography class, anyone?), but when you find it, you'll know it, and you'll want to do it because you love it, not because you've been driven to it.

Working on the underlying issues will help to lift that anxiety from the source. Minx discusses confronting your problems and not avoiding them by establishing rules that only serve to bury them. You can't fix the source of the stress if you avoid finding out what it is. Are you envious that your partner goes out on dates while you stay at home with the house and children? Are you feeling pushed aside and forgotten when they go out? Are you feeling as though you're no longer special because he's sharing special moments with other people now? Any of these would lead to feelings of jealousy, but they may not all have the same "fix".

Overall, I found it nice to see mono/poly relationships discussed in a healthy, inclusive way, and I'd love to see more. I think Minx and LG hit the nail on the head many times, and genuinely, compassionately, cared about ChasingJoy's well-being and emotional health, without invalidating monogamy as a valid option for her own identity. I encourage you to give it a listen and see what you think. As for me, I think I'll be changing my mind about podcasts... at least, for this one.

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